Have faith in me.

Bottled up

You know what I’ve really wanted to fucking say for so long? I’ve hated being away from home for a long time now. i’m so homesick, but i’m too afraid to tell my boyfriend in fear that he actually might want me to move out and that he’ll finally confess that it’s just not working out. I’m too afraid that everything will be different with him and my family. i know my family looks down on me and I absolutely hate it. I wish my dad actually cared about my existence and I wish that my parents would actually appreciate something I do for once. I wish that I had better reasons for leaving my home. i hate the fact that I feel like a complete and utter loser. i’ve failed at life. i didn’t do enough, i didn’t get involved, i didn’t keep up with a sport or a talent, i didn’t make enough friends or go out and now i’m just some average joe who gets average grades has no friends and just works. that is like the only significant thing i’ve done. how fucking sad. compared to everyone around me i am such a failure at life. i wish i wasn’t so alone. i miss having a best friend so badly that i could share everything with, be with all the time, act goofy and crazy with, cry with, and live with. i wish i had that person in my life. i wish that i could actually trust SOMEONE. ANYONE. for once in my goddamn life, but of course the loser cant find anyone to connect with. i i hate college. absolutely hate it. i hate commuting, i hate the fact that my commute prevents me from having the college experience i could only dream of having. i am so jealous of every single person that goes away to college, whose parents can pay for it and whose loved ones didn’t care so much about where they went. i regret not going away to college and taking out huge loans, opposed to staying at home, having my boyfriend as my only friend, and working when i wish i was out living. how sad. i wish i could live. i hate being sick. i am so tired of not being able to be a normal college student, a normal person! without having to think about my sickness. i wish it would all go away and everything would go back to normal and i could actually wear my clothes and fit into shit and go through everyday without pain or feeling like i just wanna crawl back into bed for the rest of my life. i’m just so tired of feeling all these things and having absolutely no one to talk to about it who i would even think would understand. i wish i didn’t have to keep these thoughts in my head for so long that i feel like i will burst. 

…

I have changed so much in this past year its not even funny.

I am the most negative person I know

And I don’t know why that is. But when things go great I feel no need to vent. Funny how it works, sometimes people only really get to see the bad side of you, the annoying pessimistic nagging side. The one that rants on and on about how life stinks at 2 am on a friday morning, sitting in their office.

Oh Hereford

I was so ready to get away from you, so why oh why am i freaking out about college?

I just hope I don’t end up alone. I don’t want to be the floater- who goes to class, goes home, does homework, works, sleeps, repeat. I look at all these people around and find myself jealous of how surrounded they are.

I really hope I can experience that. It’s been way too long since I had sincere friends.

hello again, creepy monster

that lives in the back of my past. please stay far away from me. i don’t want to deal with you, in fact you gross me out. but someday, somehow, without my help, you’ll get your shit handed to you, i’m sure. and in the process you will bring out all of us; those insecure, vulnerable, unknowledgeable little girls that you took advantage of so many years ago…the hundreds of us whose lives you corrupted and whose innocence were destroyed because of all the sick, manipulative, degrading ‘games’ you played….you will bring us out. except, 4 years older with alot more experience and alot more hate for you and what you do. and somehow the justice we deserve will be served on your pathetic old ass. but until then, please stay FAR away from me.

Reblog if tattoos are a major turn on for you.

(Source: dezzbitesyou)

Setting Fire

“But who can remember pain, once it’s over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind.”

…

I want it to be summertime. But more importantly, for the first time in forever I really do wish I was in Arizona. I wish it was 8 pm, me lying down on my old street with my best friend, watching the sun go down. And the ground would be so warm that I would never need a jacket and I would never get chilly. There was nothing that stressed me out, there was nothing to worry about. Ever. It was simplistic and I feel that I will never get it back. I want it to be that time when I wasn’t so tired, I had a good amount of friends and I was outgoing. As I have gotten to this point, I think this is the loneliest I’ve ever been, to feel like I’ve already outlived the greatest parts of life. Doesn’t anyone care about me and leaving me to myself? Doesn’t anyone want me around them? Am I even special anymore? I feel like the most average human. I don’t know who I am. I have no idea what to do or what to be. I feel like all the life has been sucked out of me and for one second I wish someone would save me.